Tomek (name changed upon request) is 28 years old and gay. He grew up in a conservative, very Catholic family, but now decided to come out as gay. In the following interview, he tells us how "living in the closet" affected relationship with his parents and how finding out he was gay changed their attitude towards the LGBTQ+ community.

Ania Rusak, vibez.pl: What did you hear at home about LGBTQ+ people when you were growing up?

Tomek: We didn't talk about it at all. If any topic related to LGBTQ+ people came up on TV once in a while, my parents either kept quiet or raised their eyebrows. Sometimes they would say in disgust something in line of "Jesus, what is that". Dad would also chuckle giving them vulgar nicknames. There wasn't a lot of it, it appeared rather contextually. If they were already saying something, it was rather negative.

My parents weren't completely aware of such issues. In my opinion it was a matter of not knowing about it, a fear of strangers. That's why it seemed like something scary to them.

How did being in the closet affect your life?

It was tragic. In fact, it's only in retrospect that I can see how much has changed in me since coming out. When I was at home, my dad kept asking if I had a girlfriend and I would explode with anger. I think it negatively affected our relationship at the time. Because of him constantly asking these questions, we grew distant from each other. I also despised him because of his views. It irritated me terribly, even though I tried to explain to myself that, after all, he doesn't know I'm gay, so he doesn't understand how difficult these questions are for me.

At family gatherings I simply tried to act "normal". I took pictures with my female friends that suggested we were together. I would come to weddings and introduce them as my girlfriends. When I went on holiday, I always said I was going in a big group. It was constant lying, deception. I was creating two realities for myself.

And what views do your parents have?

I myself voted for Law and Justice party (Prawo i Sprawiedliwość, PiS, right-wing, anti-LGBTQ+ political party in Poland – ed.) when I was 19. At the time I just didn't think about it, my parents had always voted for the party too. I kept hearing that this PiS was wonderful and Donald Tusk (of Platforma Obywatelska, PO, currently opposing political force in Poland) was bad. Now that has obviously changed. Besides, I grew up in a Catholic family, so voting for this party was natural.

Was being Catholic difficult for you?

I had to go to church every week. On Saturday I was up all night thinking about my sexuality, fantasising about other men. In the morning at church I felt like some kind of cursed man and repeated to myself that I was straight. I tried for a very long time to deceive myself like that. At the beginning of our relationship I also told my partner I was bisexual. I was looking for a way out because my family, my church, everyone told me I couldn't be who I was.

My parents were not fanatics or zealots like the rest of the family. But even though they now know my views, they still go to church. They vocally say, however, that you have to be objective and that you cannot believe everything you hear during masses. They reiterate that everyone should be able to find a space for themselves there. I respect this approach.

How did your coming out eventually happen?

My partner's parents knew that he was gay, that we were together. The fact that I wasn't outed had a very negative impact on our relationship and it soon spiralled into crisis. When my parents would come to the house we were renting, I would introduce him as a former colleague. Such deception eventually started to tire him so much that we were about to split up. During this difficult period, I often ran away to my hometown. I think that if it wasn't for that, this coming out would not have happened.

My parents, especially my mother, saw that something was wrong. I didn't want to burden them, because at that time we also had a difficult situation at home - my grandfather was very ill. My mum came to me, she cried, and finally we talked. I didn't tell her directly that I was gay. I explained the situation to her equivocally.

How did she react?

Quite well, surprisingly. She said that it all started to make sense for her. She admitted that Dad had implied it before, but at the time she denied it. The evening I left, she told him about it. He called me the next day, saying that Mum was not coping with it well. I later found out that he himself had started drinking a lot of alcohol because of the situation. When I first came back home after coming out, my father tried to initiate some contact, but I rejected him. It was only after some time that we reached each other.

My parents also went to see a psychologist immediately after my coming-out. I advised them to do it because I didn't want them to rely on knowledge they would probably seek on the internet. I also wanted to take care of them in this way. They listened to me, but were disappointed with the therapist, so they eventually gave up on it. However, I appreciate that they made the effort. They are still making it now, reading about LGBTQ+ people. They are definitely more open nowadays. Back then topics like transgenderism would definitely not have come up in our home.

Do you feel comfortable around them now?

The difference is big. I am more at ease around them now, and I don't have problems with my sexuality. Thanks to coming out, I have fully accepted that I am gay. On the other hand, I try to avoid these topics. When my mother wants to talk about it more with me, I cut off the conversation.

I still get stressed when I go to visit other conservative family members who still don't know I'm gay. Now when those closest to me know and some derogatory comments come up in conversation, they try to react, to defend this community. I feel they support me. They helped us renovate our flat, and now they have also started to greet my partner, invite him home and enjoy his company.

I’m well aware that my parents are having a hard time right now. My dad works in an environment where there are a lot of conservative men. He constantly hears jokes from people making fun of LGBTQ+ people. It must be difficult for him because I know he can't defend me in that environment. He's probably laughed at them before, and now he knows it affects his son too. Coming out for a child is one thing, and coming out of a parent, admitting to being a parent of a gay person, is also very difficult.

My mum also needed to come out of the closet to some degree and told my godmother and aunt about LGBTQ+ people. She was very relieved to be able to talk to someone about it at all. It's one thing to tell your parents. How the parents will deal with it is another. I was very lucky, but I know not everyone is.